Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
- Folding. I am physically incapable of folding. My hands just don't work like that. I have suggested to my wife that we simply purchase each of us an assortment of baskets - eg one each for undies, t-shirts, shorts, uniforms, shoes, etc - and tilt them so I can open the closets and toss them in from a sitting position on the bed, but she told me 'no'. Well, she was sorting clothes at the time so she told me 'no' and 'bugger off' and 'please leave me in peace.'
- Painting the fence. Although it is one of my least favourite jobs I was keen to paint the fence a dozen months ago but it was too cold. Then we went through a too wet period followed by a too hot period which came right on the heal of a too humid couple of days. I seem to recall a too Christmas in there as well. Right now the weather is too nice for fence painting. Maybe next week.
- Cleaning out the shed. Now in my defense I have cleaned out the shed on numerous occasions in the past but my wife kept filling it up with more stuff so I've just given up.
- Connecting the water tank. We purchased a water tank a few years ago when the government had some nice incentives going and I held images of us drinking rainwater and wearing hemp. As the bloke delivered the tank he said before I hook it up I needed to put a load of cracker dust under the tank so the plastic doesn't deteriorate and I thanked him and said I'd get right onto it. And one day I will.
- Emptying the dishwasher. If I can't see it, it doesn't exist. Not only do I not think about emptying the dishwasher (ever) I also never think to look inside it if I can't find a certain spoon or dish. In my naive, sheltered little Bruceworld the item has simply vanished without a trace and will need to be replaced when next I'm at the shops.
- Sorting toys. One of my pet hates is toys in the kitchen, whether underfoot or on the benches. If I spot a Little People or Barbie accessory my solution is simple - I throw it in the bin. Much to my childrens' and wife's chargrin this is also my solution to cleaning a bedroom cluttered with discarded toys, so we leave the sorting of toys to Tracey.
- Weeding. Tracey thinks I need to weed but I heard someone say once the definition of a weed is any plant growing where you don't want it. By extension this means any plants growing where I do want them aren't weeds. Far as I'm concerned everything green in our yard is exactly where I want it. Problem solved.
- Painting the ceiling. Our ceiling really does need a coat of something. We painted the one in the kitchen when we renovated that part of the house and it looks fabulous. Trouble is I only remember how much the ceiling in our bedroom needs painting when I lie back on our mattress and see the paint threatening to flutter down into bed with me. But by then it's too late to do anything about it. Of course, if I were allowed more nanna-naps in the afternoons.....
- Cleaning the toilet. Seriously, it's always fine and rain forest fresh the last time I was in there. Honest.
- That first dirty nappy in the morning. Try and try and try as I might I just can't seem to beat Tracey to it. Either I'm making a cup of Joe, or I'm still pretending to be asleep, or I just need to duck into the shower, or I thought she wanted you Tracey or I can't even smell it even though you're holding her right in front of my face. Eats me up.
Bruce Devereaux is one of the nicest people he knows. When not at work he enjoys reading, writing, hiding from his children and not changing nappies.
His career, and if we used the term any more loosely an e might fall out, has included a gardener, a personal lender, a console operator, a stop/go man (not as big a bludge as you might think but great if you’re into sunburn, abuse and varicose veins), a cleaner of banks and pubs and, for a very brief period, a door to door salesman (until the last door he knocked on was answered by a very scary woman with tremendously hairy legs).
Bruce Devereaux currently works as a forty-five-year-old award winning customer service officer (glass statuette available upon request) for the Bank of Queensland and as a very casual employee for Corrective Services. He likes to believe he excels at both but then he has always been prone to exaggeration.
His favourite colour is green, with a picture of Dame Nellie Melba on one side and General Sir John Monash on the other. His favourite flower is self-raising.
If you see him around town, call his wife immediately - he's probably snuck out and left her alone with all the kids.
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