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Monday, December 10, 2012

My wife's birthday present sucks

"The kids slept well," Tracey said to me when she emerged from the bedroom this morning. It was a statement, not a question.

I glared at her through aching, unfocused eyes and said, "You're shitting me, right?"

This is roll reversal - usually it's me making the ignorant, insensitive comment first thing in the morning.

"I was up four times in six hours," I shot at her. Not that I've any real grounds for feeling indignant. You see, today is Tracey's birthday and all she wanted was a night off from getting up to her children.

"From midnight to midnight, you're doing the kids," she told me yesterday. "And by the time I wake up I want them fed, dressed and bags packed."

"No worries," I said, because it's her birthday and what's one night as a thank you to my wonderful wife for all she does. Well I was wrong. 'Big worries' would have been a more appropriate response. 'Lots of worries' would also have sufficed. No wonder our Miss0 naps so well during the day - she's awake all bloody night!

I knew I was wickedly tired before Tracey even skipped out of bed. I'd been up with all the kids for an hour already, a good deal of which I'd spent looking for my Kindle. I read a few pages of a book every morning while I sip my coffee to help ease myself into the morning. The thing is, Kindle or no Kindle, there wasn't time for easing into the day while I was trying to light a bomb under the kids' bums.

"Josh! Out of bed, mate. Molly, stop playing with your doll and pour a bowl of cereal. Grace? Grace! Where are yo...what are you doing? The telly isn't even on. Why are you staring at it? Come on, put your uniform on. Josh! Last warning. Get up and start breakfast or there'll be no DS this weekend. Yes, or computer or Wii. Thank you. Sophie, where is your nappy? Is that poo? Oh no."

I eventually found the damn Kindle thing, which I'd put down to help Miss2 and Miss5 mop up the milk from their attempts at breakfast, in the fridge.

Another sign I was in for a bad day was when I accused Tracey of getting up herself to attend to our baby in the early hours of this morning. I might not be good at this but I wanted to be able to say I came through with her 'present'.

"I didn't get up," she assured me, grinning.

"But Emily had a bottle filled with just water when I got up this morning. You must have."

"Well, it wasn't me," reasserted Tracey. "No way. I clocked off at midnight."

"Oh," I said, my mind thinking this over. "In that case it looks like I forgot to add the formula to her bottle last night." What else had I forgotten?  "I changed the baby's nappy too. I better check I put one back on." I'm  extremely pleased to say I had.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY my darling! Another year older but you still look the same to me as the day we first kissed.

Or maybe that's just the sleep in my eyes. I'll check again tomorrow after a good night's sleep ;) xx


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About Me

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Bruce Devereaux is one of the nicest people he knows. When not at work he enjoys reading, writing, hiding from his children and not changing nappies.

 

His career, and if we used the term any more loosely an e might fall out, has included a gardener, a personal lender, a console operator, a stop/go man (not as big a bludge as you might think but great if you’re into sunburn, abuse and varicose veins), a cleaner of banks and pubs and, for a very brief period, a door to door salesman (until the last door he knocked on was answered by a very scary woman with tremendously hairy legs).

 

Bruce Devereaux currently works as a forty-five-year-old award winning customer service officer (glass statuette available upon request) for the Bank of Queensland and as a very casual employee for Corrective Services. He likes to believe he excels at both but then he has always been prone to exaggeration.

 

His favourite colour is green, with a picture of Dame Nellie Melba on one side and General Sir John Monash on the other. His favourite flower is self-raising.

 If you see him around town, call his wife immediately - he's probably snuck out and left her alone with all the kids.


 

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