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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Twin Peeks

A girl I know, whose husband works away in the mines for weeks at a stretch, was asked to send her man a photo of her breasts. You know, to keep him company on those long, lonely nights.

“No, I don’t think so,” she told him. “I've heard of things going wrong with that sort of thing.”

We've all heard those stories. Photos accidentally being sent to mothers - or worse, the mother-in-law.

"Not a hope in hell," my friend assured her husband.

But he's apparently the persistent type because she was eventually persuaded to take a photo, against, she assures me, her better judgement. And when she sent the photo, having made all manner of threats regarding what would happen to his manhood should anyone besides him ever see it and received assurances it was for his own personal use only, she took a full minute staring at the number to make sure it was right before she pressed send.

After which she went about her day feeling just a little bit daring and a tad naughty but nice.

Her adventurous spirit lasted all of an hour. 

“Mum?” her Mister5 called from the next room.

“I'm in the kitchen. What's up?”

Her little man walked into the room holding her phone. “Why have you sent daddy a photo of your boobies?”

Snatching the phone out of his hands and thinking fast, she said, “So he can check them for lumps and make sure they’re all okay.”

"Why does he check them for lumps?"

"Because they can mean there's something wrong and I need to go to the doctor," she answered him. This really wasn't a conversation she wanted to be having.

“But I can check them for you, Mum,” her little man offered.

"I know, sweetie, but it's really a job for your father. He's the expert."

Yes, and if 'the expert' ever finds out she showed someone the photo when it was forbidden for him to, I think she'll never hear the end of it.

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About Me

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Bruce Devereaux is one of the nicest people he knows. When not at work he enjoys reading, writing, hiding from his children and not changing nappies.


His career, and if we used the term any more loosely an e might fall out, has included a gardener, a personal lender, a console operator, a stop/go man (not as big a bludge as you might think but great if you’re into sunburn, abuse and varicose veins), a cleaner of banks and pubs and, for a very brief period, a door to door salesman (until the last door he knocked on was answered by a very scary woman with tremendously hairy legs).


Bruce Devereaux currently works as a forty-five-year-old award winning customer service officer (glass statuette available upon request) for the Bank of Queensland and as a very casual employee for Corrective Services. He likes to believe he excels at both but then he has always been prone to exaggeration.


His favourite colour is green, with a picture of Dame Nellie Melba on one side and General Sir John Monash on the other. His favourite flower is self-raising.

 If you see him around town, call his wife immediately - he's probably snuck out and left her alone with all the kids.


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