"Urrrk," said Tracey as she walked out of the bathroom last night. "Urrrrk gak uuurrk."
"What's wrong with you?" I asked Tracey as Miss1 tottled past her towards the lounge room.
I know this sound. Years of morning sickness, preceded by years of drunken debauchery, have etched it indelibly into my brain.
For a brief few seconds the idea Tracey was pregnant yet again crossed my mind, but then I remembered it was early evening and these days I'm shooting blanks.
"Are you sick?" I asked, outstretching my arm towards her in a soothing and sympathetic manner while simultaneously taking a step back. She shook her head. "Well, what's happened?"
She went to open her mouth to tell me.
"Urrrrk urk," she said, bringing a hand up to her mouth.
I could see her eyes trying to fight the urge to gag and settle her throat down. Finally she took a deep breath and brought her other hand up. She was gingerly holding a toothbrush between two fingers.
If living with Tracey has taught me anything it's you don't just reach out and take something she's offering. That way is a minefield of crappy jobs like changing dirty nappies because of the 'you touched it last' rule.
She tried again.
"Found. Emmy. Urkk." She settled herself. "Cleaning. Toilet. Gawwwk! Urrrrrk!"
'With your toothbrush?" I finished for her.
Tracey nodded vigorously.
"That's funny!" I said, grinning.
She frowned, vigorously.
"Seriously, it could be worse," I laughed. "It could have been my toothbrush."
Tracey pointed into the bathroom and I stuck my head in. There were two other toothbrushes on the floor around the loo. My toothbrush was still in the bowl.
"No biggy," I told Tracey. "I'll just buy some new toothbrushes tomorrow."
It wasn't until this afternoon when I arrived home with a handful of new brushes that Tracey explained the real reason she was gagging so badly.
"That's not the first time I've found the toothbrushes out of the draw," she told me. "Sometimes there'll be one on the vanity or in the sink. Sometimes I'll pick one up off the floor and give it a rinse. What I was wondering is how many times she's cleaned the toilet with a toothbrush and I've just given it a rinse and shoved it back in the drawer."
And then Tracey got to see me do my awesome impersonation of a pregnant woman, after which we found a high shelf to house our new toothbrushes.
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’raising a family on little more than laughs’