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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Daddy Poppins

The alarm went off this morning at 6.15am.  Tracey was long gone on her way to a photography seminar in Brisvegas. It was all up to me today.

"Here we go!" I thought to myself, mentally rubbing my hands together. And went straight back to sleep.

Fifteen minutes later I woke again, the alarm still sounding beside me.

"Here we go!" I thought to myself, mentally rubbing my hands together and almost getting out of bed.

Eventually, some ten minutes later,  I dragged myself into the kitchen and set to work. I boiled the kettle. I figured a quick caffeine fix and then I'd be into it.

"Daddy!" squealed Miss2 from the dining table. I can't confirm exactly what her thought processes were, but it seemed, from the sheer quantity of milk covering most of the table, Miss2 had decided to use our dining table as a bowl.

This was really the beginning of the end of any chance of me having a coffee before work.

Here's a copy of the email I sent Tracey from work first thing this morning:

"Just wanted to put your mind at ease. Morning was seamless.

Shorts for Grace and Molly weren’t on their piles. Or were on their piles and moved by kids and left somewhere. I suspect the later. Josh couldn’t find a hat. Not sure he looked very hard. Kids made own breakfast with Sophie using the table as her bowl. Grace thought the milk tasted funny. I told her to eat it anyway. Josh stood in middle of lounge room shivering because it was too cold to undress. I forcibly undressed him, pointed at his clothes and said it was up to him but I'd probably get dressed now.. Meanwhile Sophie removed entire contents of her bag onto kitchen floor. Emily slept until 8am - my saving grace.  Sophie and Emily each did a nice big poo for me at about 8am. Sophie attempted to change her nappy by herself in the kitchen/lounge/bedroom. "

I'll interrupt this email because this really was a highlight of my morning. 

I was kneeling on the kitchen floor shoving all the clothes back in her bag when Miss2 walked past the kitchen with a new nappy in her hand but no nappy on her bum.

"Why have you taken your nappy off? I asked.

"Poo," she replied. And sure enough, as she toddled away, I could see her little butt was covered in it.

"Don't sit down!" I called after her.

All I'll say is if we ever sell this house and you buy it, you'll want to replace the carpet.

"Realized had locked Jazz in house as we were about to set off. As we were letting Jazz out of the house we discovered Grace had left violin in the kitchen. At daycare I set Sophie up in the wrong room. Only realized when her name wasn't in the sign in book. Forgot to drop off afternoon food bag at daycare – Grace took it to school, where it will probably remain. Kids refused to get out of car at school because I parked on the wrong side of the road and there were road works. Ended up having to manhandle them out. Wasn't over yet though, cause Josh forgot to take hat out of car. Twenty seconds later I realized Grace forgot to take violin out of car. They beat me to the crossing and as they crossed in front of me they all grinned and waved at me like I wasn't thinking of running them down.

Made it to work at 8.43am - two whole minutes up my sleeve, thank you very much. I’m finally drinking a coffee and I’m wondering if any of my workmates have Valium in their handbags.

Hope you have a good day cause you're never doing this again.

Love you."

And if you're wondering about Tracey's response to my email, it was short and not so sweet.

"Ha Ha Sounds like a normal morning to me," she said. "Genuinely hope you have just as much fun this afternoon lol."

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Kylie said...

There's just something about your wife that I love, just can't quite put my finger on it! Hope you had as much fun in the afternoon (afternoons are always worse in my house)

Donnah said...

This is a pissa. I think I'd like to meet you guys. Could be a riot. I'd love to add my master 2 to your mix and see what happens!

Bruce Devereaux said...

She doesn't let me get away with anything - I think that's what endears her to women the world over. It's funny, the women at work think I'm a bit of a shit, always having a laugh at their expense, but I tell them Tracey runs rings around me at home - she's just too quick.

Bruce Devereaux said...

Welcome to my life. Near as I can tell, there are no exits.

About Me

My photo

Bruce Devereaux is one of the nicest people he knows. When not at work he enjoys reading, writing, hiding from his children and not changing nappies.


His career, and if we used the term any more loosely an e might fall out, has included a gardener, a personal lender, a console operator, a stop/go man (not as big a bludge as you might think but great if you’re into sunburn, abuse and varicose veins), a cleaner of banks and pubs and, for a very brief period, a door to door salesman (until the last door he knocked on was answered by a very scary woman with tremendously hairy legs).


Bruce Devereaux currently works as a forty-five-year-old award winning customer service officer (glass statuette available upon request) for the Bank of Queensland and as a very casual employee for Corrective Services. He likes to believe he excels at both but then he has always been prone to exaggeration.


His favourite colour is green, with a picture of Dame Nellie Melba on one side and General Sir John Monash on the other. His favourite flower is self-raising.

 If you see him around town, call his wife immediately - he's probably snuck out and left her alone with all the kids.


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