When I walk into the kitchen and Tracey is a blur of spray-bottled
activity, I know enough to throw out a ‘What can I do to help?’ The worst
possible answer is ‘Nothing.’ Let’s be clear, she’s describing the past, not
the future, and is saying how much work she thinks I’ve done, not what she’d
like me to do.
1. CUSSING. Housework isn't a dirty word. The
dirty words tend to come if I don't help with the housework.
2. RUBBISH. It's my job to take the bins out.
I’ve learned not to argue or I might end up swapping bin duty with toilet
cleaning duty. Both jobs stink but only one bears the risk of being splashed
with dunny water. Also important to note: despite how important putting out a
bin seems it doesn't mean I’ve done half the housework. I must always be
vigilant in remembering not to strut around the place like a peacock and expect
praise.
3. TOILET. For years it never occurred
to me to wonder why the toilet didn’t stink. Then we had a baby and my
wife was in hospital for a week and suddenly the realization hit me like a truck
(a sewerage truck): my wife had been cleaning our loo behind my back! Once this
little deceit was pointed out to me I naturally went on the defensive and
attempted to argue I had also been cleaning the toilet. But apparently pressure
cleaning the skid marks off the inside of the bowl while taking a leak doesn’t
count.
4. JOBS BY GENDER. One of the first things I
learned when I moved out of my parent’s home was housework is not gender
specific. The phrase ‘women's work’ is reserved for birthing. The washing
machine, for example, doesn’t care if a guy or a gal presses the buttons and neither
does the dishwasher or the vacuum. Plus, it’s been pointed out to me, saying I’ll
take care of the outside of the house while my wife can take care of the inside
is not an equal division of the work load. Even if there's a lot more outside
than inside. Even if we lived on acreage. Even if our nearest neighbour was an hour
away by air.
5. JOBS FOR KIDS. Getting the kids to help
out with cleaning is like the Holy Grail of housework. I can’t do it but Tracey
thinks the trick is to play to their strengths. Need to clean out the fridge?
Open the door and stick a teenager in front of it. Want the house washed? Give
the hose to a preschooler and tell them they’re a fireman. Got a crawler in the
house? Slip Enjo mitts onto their hands and feet and place them in the kitchen.
I’m not going to admit to us having done any of these.
6. CLOTHES WASHING. Washing clothes is hard.
Firstly, you’re rushing because you’re trying to get the load on during an ad
on the telly. Secondly, you can't put everything in the machine at the one
time. I’ve now learned when my wife says ‘fill up the washing machine’ she
doesn’t mean ‘to the brim’. Finally, clothes need to be sorted – washing whites
separately is a good idea for starters unless you’re into powder pinks and
blues. I wasn’t, but now they’re growing on me. So much to remember.
7. FLOORS. Brushing crumbs and stuff off
tables isn’t necessarily helping. Neither is letting the dog in the house to Hoover
the floor. Go figure.
8. PRAISE. If I come home from work and the
place is tidy I like to consider the following questions: Do we have a maid?
Have I entered the right house? Am I asleep? (Warning: do not actually ask
these questions out loud unless your wife is deaf). At this point I’ve
discovered a few encouraging words of thanks, or even a hug, can go a long way towards
letting my wife know I appreciate all her hard work. Here’s an interesting
thing I’ve learned about hugs which some guys might not be aware of - hugs
aren't just an invitation for the horizontal two step and can sometimes be
given without expecting anything in return. (No, seriously).
9. CARWASH. I’m not allowed to count washing
the car as helping with the housework. Once, when I tried to argue this point,
my wife asked our kids if they’d like to clean the shower or wash the car and I
don’t think you’ll be surprised to learn within seconds they were heading
outside with buckets. Why? Because washing the car isn’t housework, it’s playing.
10. CLEAN OUT. When we clean house our kids
tend to follow us from room to room destroying all our good work so that at the
end of two hours our house can look just as messy as at the beginning. Even on
a good day it takes three times as long to do something when the little kids
are in the house because of the endless questions and demands. The clever solution
is often for me to generously and selflessly volunteer to take the kids away
from the house. Tracey gets so excited to have some alone time she doesn’t care
she's spending it doing the floors and folding. We’ve tried this the other way
around but if I’m left in the house by myself I just take a nap which, once
Tracey and the kids arrive back home, brings us inevitably and loudly back to
the cussing and dirty words I was telling you about earlier.
2 comments:
You're spot on about #8! lol Who'd a thunk it?
I'm not as dumb as I look :) Or act.
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